ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
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Me: I think I’ll go for a run
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My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
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My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
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My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
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My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
“You’d better run, egg!”
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
My love language is deader than Latin
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.