The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
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Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
I’ll be mad as hell!
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.