Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
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*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.