People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
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I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
I’m giving up for Lent.
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.