I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
You Might Also Like
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days