My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
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I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes