date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
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You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
Monday Lisa
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.