The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
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[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
I have never related to a cat more
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.