me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
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It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
This was my dad’s browser history.
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
No laws when master is gone
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up