Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
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Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
Horrifying if literal: shit storm