WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
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Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.