Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
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bad news gang
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
what the hell pray for carter everyone