UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
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I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
I’m listening
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome