Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
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Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.