Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
You Might Also Like
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
BETRAYAL
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?