I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
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‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
DOOO EEEET
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
how much for the angry fruit?
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.