Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
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If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
never ask a starfish for directions
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.