I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
You Might Also Like
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*