Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
You Might Also Like
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out