I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
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[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms