a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
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That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
Meow
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.