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If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot