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POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)