Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
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*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
sry
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets