I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
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[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round