*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
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I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
Unimpressed
When taking your driving test:
1. Fasten seatbelt.
2. Adjust rear view mirror.
3. Ask examiner if he dropped 20 dollars on the floor, you’re quite sure it isn’t yours.
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
Finally a use for spoilers…
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself