I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
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5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Kidney stones? Hard pass
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault