When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
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*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
“dress for the job you want”
There’s a job you want???
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
Why font matters.
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring