Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
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Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
When life hands you women, make women laid.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
Florida be like…
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
Tuesday
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am