Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
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Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes