I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
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*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.