I once had a tweet go bacterial.
You Might Also Like
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.