Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
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*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
This kid is a star!
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that