Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
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Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
fr
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.