wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
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how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
reminder
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
This is why I hate group projects