Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
You Might Also Like
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.