My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
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[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.