When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
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so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?