4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
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Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it