Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
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You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
Every work call, he judges.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today