I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
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Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.