I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
You Might Also Like
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
When the stylist spins you back around
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁