5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
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‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.