Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
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Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
Him: I don鈥檛 believe I caught your name.
Her: I don鈥檛 believe I threw it.
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
Me: I CAN鈥橳 BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I鈥橫 GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
Fortunately, I鈥檓 just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
My plans: 2020:
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we鈥檙e feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
馃摳: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
What鈥檚 Biden鈥檚 plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?