Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
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*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
Ladies, why y’all do this?
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.