GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
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Message from the dog groomers
Always the camel, never the toe.
No one :
Me when I swimming :
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
RT if you know someone like this!!!
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.