*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
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my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?