Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
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me trying to get a bartender’s attention
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
There’s always that one guy
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.