Pat is about to own someone
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G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
This fish is cracking me up
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.