What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
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Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.