A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
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It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
April 1st is the class clown of days.
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
Well, this is awkward
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos